I called her a whore. 15 minutes later she gave me head at arby's while i was eating a roast beef. best afternoon ever
She has 2500 facebook friends. I probably should have used a condom.
Once you realized you couldn't finish the 30 you started walking down the street and leaving a beer in everyone's mailbox
Are you pissed because you didn't get action, or the fact i got boned twice in public places tonight?
why is there an outline of nathan's body on my wall in whip cream?
Just an FYI: The offer for you to come snow blow my driveway in return for sexual favors is still on the table
Judging by my dry clothes and wet sheets, I think I might have gotten out of bed, pissed ON it, covered it up, and passed out on top of it
Also, putting laundry hampers on my head and pretending I'm an astronaut is a good way to get caught in every door frame in the house.
I'd rather just be alone, than deal with this bullshit. I just want to be alone. Cats and vibrators never let you down.
She just walked up to him and was like "you should fuck Angela" and it worked! She is the ultimate wingman
I just want nice things and good sex
And then my night got REAL pukey
ORGASMS AND PIZZA
PIZZA AND ORGASMS
I accidentally left my shirt at my booty calls house. He washed it & hung it up for me in his closet. I can't decide if that's sweet or creepy
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
Randomize
