I'm drinking on the job... HEAVILY
Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
his mom walked in while I was blowing him. he turned around in panic and accidentally punched me in the face. i have a black eye and only half the clothes i came here in. can you give me a ride?
We were done making out and had been asleep for a hour. I felt him put his hand on my butt. Then I farted.
It says i should accept HIV aids as my friend on facebook.We have 12 friends in common. I need new friends.
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
Did you get the "i have a yeast infection from that wet frat bathroom floor" text?
Sounds like sex on a twister board.
An idea that is both hilarious and intriguing...
Girl re-adjusts bra, no one bats an eye. I re-adjust nuts, everyone stares.
You've slept with someone mentioned in the NY Times, that officially makes you the most famous person I know.
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
is 250 jello shots considered an open container?
My boss spotted an injured PIGEON outside the front door this morning (at 3:30am) and requested that I catch it and take it to the vet. Catch it with what! Take it where!These requests have gone too far...
Sunday morning breakfast with the boyfriends family. I just puked in the stall at Cracker Barrell. Classy.
I just found an old slice of LIME in my wallet?????????
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