the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
Dude, dont worry about the lamb fetus in the fridge.
What?
Just dont open the beer drawer.
i'm just sitting here going through her tagged pics, covering up different parts of her face to try and figure out exactly what it is that makes her so ugly.
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
I come bearing gifts of whiskey and vagina
It was like die hard. Except with more penises.
High gym went like this: I went to Dairy Queen instead.
trying to figure out why the only thing in our freezer is an expired loaf of bread, a white t shirt, and a receipt from taco bell for 37.50 from last Friday
That's some primal shit right there. My vagina is all like CONSUME HIM AND HIS FRUIT HE WILL GIVE YOU SONS!
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
I didn't know whether to laugh at the fact that a dog bit his balls or throw up cause my dad was telling me a story involving his balls.
She just asked me if I was going to stay the night. I responded "I know that we are upside down".
It was great. Except he kept asking me to lick his butthole, I was like firm no
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
If I get my period the weekend your parents are gone i'm removing my uterus.
Randomize
