The only way im leaving this casino is in a golden chariot or an ambulance
we talked about european history as he fucked me from behind in the shower... i think it was a success
Double fisting Gray Goose bottles. We've officially ruined her.
i don't think i ever formally apologized for that time i threw up on your dog.... well...here it is...
Found: medium sized pair of mens pants tucked inside my purse w/ a dry cleaners coupon in left pocket. Call if you wish to claim the coupon
Romantic bubble bath turned into splash war. We can't be adults about anything.
Can I tell him I got herpes from your bong instead of from that guy who claimed to be an olympic diver?
Okay. So I've done lines off a bible. But that's just for the sake of being cliché.
My boobs keep hanging out of this shirt. I think thats the style I'm going for tonight
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
Literally I can feel my heart beat in my vagina because of how sore I am
I told him you forbid me to sleep with him so he needs to accept that.
On the way home she told me she was in kindergarten when 9/11 happened
You're even getting laid in my dreams, god I'm a good wingman
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