apparently vodka and oj turns green when you throw it up
basic color theory
There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
The last thing I remember was talking about the economic viability of cock ring manufacturing... we had some good ideas
whoever brushed my teeth and whitened them while i was passed out, thanks.
Hey to make you feel better about last night, I just shit my pants.
The plan was to get laid... Now the plan is to survive.
Last night I had sex with one of the groomsmen I was in the wedding with. In a stairwell. 13 years my senior. Thinking I should retire from the bridesmaid gig.
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
Don't I can pass these orgasm blushes off as sunburn for much longer...
i agree, on both the sex thing and the unrepentant bastard thing
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
It's like the cookie assaulted me with being high.
I guess I asked for the two old strippers numbers at the end of the bar and it turned out to be the bartenders mom and aunt...
Don't get mad but There's blood everywhere and the only thing I remember is the bj from your cousin.
reminiscing on last night: why the fuck did I feel the need to stand on chairs everytime we took a jello shot?
Randomize