my dad told me i had to spend my money wisely..so i spent the money he gave me for a desk chair on weed. ill be so high i wont even notice its gone
The problem is he wears abercrombie jeans like there's nothing wrong with it
Just took a beer bong out of snuffaluffagus's trunk. Your move
he took off his pants and apologized in advance if I thought he was too small.
Just thought you should know in my puerto rico drunkenness yesterday I signed my dogs name on the bar tab. cruise = success
God you people are gross. Come collect your unconscious friend.
Im having a christmas reunion party tonight. Last year i ate my own contact. We'll see how this year goes
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
Cheez-its and a bottle of cab...for under $10 you could win this girls heart
Dude, get out of Andrea's vagina and call me back
I do feel like I owe you an apology for trying to fuck your dad last night but in my defense everyone knows I shouldn't drink tequila.
I just wanted a bootycall and now somehow I'm at his parents playing dominoes. But they have tequila so it's cool
Well I mean I HAD done a pretty good job of not pooping myself through the years
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
I always know im high when I can't remember how to pee.
Randomize
