you dont want to live with me, im always naked, a chronic masturbator, a bit of a voyeur and will likely touch you while you sleep. ps- i can pick locks
I am pretty sure he just licked my hand while trying to sing goo goo dolls iris to me. Get me out of this state.
So tell me more about the cum that came out of your nose
You look at her and you just know the only action she's gotten is from her tampon..
Watching intervention at a bar. Who let this happen??
I've started bribing my dorm's security guard with cookies so that he doesn't tell all the boys i'm hooking up with about each other.
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
This cabbie knows where I live. Both awesome and weird.
I think my favorite day of the week is the day we get to fuck
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
Woke up with a $50 attached to my penis with a rubber band..
Sweet. Tell little Richard to buy us a sack and a pizza.
She looked up and said "I like this." I asked "what do you like?" she said "penis."
Pretty sure I just pissed straight whiskey...
I honestly think sometimes all you need is a $2 alcoholic punch poured from a jug into a big glass to feel better. I guess abblebees is my new problematic fav
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