I got drunk at the beach today. I got the word Badass! tatooed all the way across my foot. Probably a bad idea.
Even My mom was ashamed of me bringing her home, she pulled me aside, and told me i can do better than, "butter faces"
Just pulled an upper-decker at a hardware store. I believe I'm winning 8-2. It's obvious you don't shit enough in public.
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
he turned down sex AND sandwiches. who the hell does that?!
I can coach you back to consumption. Think of it kinda like Rocky II.
He was my shower sex Sherpa last night. And we both made it safely up the mountain.
I just read through our messages from yesterday and realized we both referred to me tearing my penis as a good thing. What the fuck.
I CAN'T FUCK HIM OUTSIDE. THAT'S FOR PEASANTS. HE'S TOO FAMOUS FOR THAT.
Company sent me first class out of state, got so drunk on the plane I started handing out pillows and blankets to the people in coach
She said to me, without hesitation, "make me an offer better than my sugar daddy and I'll go with you"
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
Swear on my life the dude next to us just ordered a pizza and I will fight to the death for a slice
Omg I joined a choir last night...
he's fucking insane. he's worse than me. is that even possible? I'm only with him because his dick is huge. I need Jesus.
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