You hurt me so bad and it feels so good
im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
Sometimes I stick my finger in my own ass and pretend it’s a vagina. I think it’s kinda weird. What do you think?
If he doesn't notice me by the next party, i'm just gonna go up to him and pll his pants down and blow him.
Sounds like a plan.
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
It's 5:30am in Vegas and I'm eating McDondalds next to crying prostitutes.....low point.
I don't even know why im sitting in this office eating a poptart.
and you will have a crown and it will be made of penises and all will bow before you and your glorious penis crown
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
Tomorrow is Have Sex and Climb A Mountain Day. We have amazing dates.
i have officially banned the recreational use of bayonets.
Well yes he stayed. He brought Guiness, them he shaved me. It's a long, but beautiful story.
On a Thurs night I found myself drunk in a limo w 9 dudes on my way to a strip club. Once there I was handed $100 in ones and told "spend it." I need a husband. Or Jesus.
Listen all we did was not even pretend we aren’t each other’s type and live together and constantly encourage each other to get laid for 6 months.
Idk how it devolved into us fucking.
he just got here with a handle of tequila and box of condoms. looks like i'll be spending the weekend in bed
Randomize
