I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
you should break up with her....give her the gift of reality
There are regrets in my world today- mostly jager at that fucking altitude
If I should ask "why am I still single?" could someone please remind me of shooting mike and ikes out of my nose at the bartender last Saturday. many thanks
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
I just haven't been myself lately. I slept with a guy 21 years older than me and I've been wearing my hair in a center part.
Did you hook up with him before or after he shaved off half of his eyebrow?
He rolled up to the party in an ice cream truck. He was definitely my first priority
I just used my VA prescription bottle of xanax to get a military discount at the liquor store. I win.
Only you could get away with that.
The sweaty, naked apartment dance party wasn't complete until I threw the whole jar of glitter on us. It was like the icing.
She's Jesus crazy. And one if not more other forms of crazy. She's 2.5+ crazy.
But if you do poop yourself let me know. I want that as a tagline. "So funny she'll make you shit yourself."
He asked me to fly out to Seattle to participate in a week of marathon sex so I'm at the airport now. I'll call you when I get back.
I got the shit slapped outta me last night but the pain in my jaw doesn’t even compare to the hangover I have.
Randomize
