two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
do you think he would believe thats it not really my period, and that i ate a lot of licorice?
he urdandictionary'ed 'tease' on his phone and made me read through all the definitions. Am i really that bad?
You slept in the bed with him... with your top off.... and just made out with him....
still using moms red Christmas cookie plate she sent to cut lines on. not sure I can return with a clear conscious
I'm in the Wal Mart stall where we found out you weren't pregnant. This is where I'm going to propose to you. I feel like that would be the most romantic
Luke did at least 8 shots of pure mayonnaise last night. I am not sure if that is better or worse than my 2 cement mixers?
You gave me balls I gave you half a boob. Fair trade
dude she got out of bed and definitely took a shit then checked her stomach out in the mirror and whispered "well that probably took off five pounds"
I will blow you tomorrow if you bring me food tonight. Like a payment plan
What! You have to go to class. Otherwise, you're wasting money that could have been spent on weed. Gotta get that shit in perspective.
Kids parked next to me are getting it on. I'm eating chicken nuggets listening to Kanye alone. Happy Valentine's Day.
I put on a tiger onsie to initiate sex... It worked
Today I learned that I have a bigger dick than Draymond Green
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog
i had fun fun last night, with the exception of you running over my foot with your car. makes a great story for my first one night stand.
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