I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
It's fine actually... I'm pretty sure he had the crookedest weiner in the world anyway.
Like he had it hanging in the wind and you just decided, "nope, I don't think that one's for me." ????
God no! I could just feel it. His clock said it was 8:00 when, clearly, it should have been midnight.
Who do you think planted the wheat? Who do you think cleared the land and killed off the native inhabitants? Women?
She's never allowed to turn 21 again
He just gave a drunken 7 minute speech on how to make the perfect grilled cheese. he explained types of butter and cheeses....i think i love him
Hey man thanks for carrying me in and out of that frat house. There's no I in team.
We are NOT roofying him just to get him to pass out so we can build a masive snow cock in his yard.
Because it is about to snow, I sent him for Diet Coke and cigarettes. It's the gay version of milk and bread.
She said "don't make this weird" and then proceeded to sniff me.
We played strip Bananagrams and I won. Thank fuck I read a lot as a child.
My dads not up on pop culture but he's not dumb enough to believe your 2 girls 1 cup reference at dinner was from the bible.
Omg. I wanna lecture the drug dealer about how highschool should not be his glory days.
Drunk is not a location!
long story short, the bouquet was used as a sacrificial torch
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
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