He's at the gym. He likes to get high and swim cause it makes him feel like a fish.
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
I can't right now...you know Sunday night is whn I get drunk and do laundry.
woke up with the bag of wine duct taped to my shoulder.
Just bought a breathalyzer and Sharpies, guess who thought of a new drinking game
I was just reelected president of justgotlaidsylvania
No seriously stop! I feel bad for him. It isn't even big enough to make fun of. It's so small that it's like a disability.
just woke up under a car ? That's odd
Holy fucking shit
WAIT BUT IM WEARING A BACKPACK THAT MAGICALLY HAS 30 BEERS IN IT
After seeing all of the pics during the trial, all I could think was "her vagina doesn't look THAT dangerous"
hahaha every time i hear a motorcycle i think about that one time you almost died
Thanks for the flashbacks you prick.
WE'RE NOT MAKING A DICK PIZZA OKAY
Congrats you've received dick pics from an Olympic silver medalist
Btw, how did you break into my room, and why did you decide that covering the mushrooms with a blanket was more secure than a lock on my door?
Between falling off a shelf on to a concrete floor and sex with you - i may never walk again.
Randomize
