i feel like barbie the morning after an elton john party
But you know it's love when you find brass knuckles in the same box he keeps his Naruto action figures.
They should make Glad Forceflex condoms.
She touched you, you're now contaminated for 48 hours. Please watch out for rashes, hives and STDs as she's known to have all three.
And when I say "complete whore" I mean I could possibly make a shameful profit by wearing this.
So i learned you can't hair-of-a-dog jaeger hangovers.
He managed to scream "cowabunga bitch" before he went down on me. Let me know if you still like him.
Cops said there's a crazy dude with a mask in my neighborhood. Don't get stabbed.
If he was naked that was me.
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
I seriously think I got run over last night.. My sides are bruised and I got a ride home in the limo from the office.
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
Where are you in relation to the mariatchi band?
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
RICK BROUGHT THE HOT BARTENDER HOME. SOMEONE CALL THE FIRE DEPARTMENT, CUZ RICKYS ON FIIIIIIIRE.
lmao nvm she punched him in the face and left
His junk had piercings everywhere. The dick and balls. It was a fucking pirate penis.
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