Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
We have a tower of vodka coming. OF VODKA
He showed up drunk to my cousions HS grad party, we stayed at the bars till 2, then he got up at 5 to run a half marathon and by the time I woke up wlhe was already back and drinking.
I'm hiding out in the living room until he falls back asleep. If he catches a whiff of my tits, it's all over. I just need to play it cool. Babies can smell fear
it was like vegas minus all of the penis and death threats
YOU STOLE THE WEDDING CAKE?!?!
Only one tier
Tastes like cardboard anyway
Something about the fact that I could do coke off her ass cheeks just speaks to me
My manager just held my hair while I threw up in a dumpster. New low.
That awkward moment when your drug dealer pulls your boss out of the snow
so evidently blowing a guy does not mean he will say hi to you when he sees you in class.. in case you're ever wondering
slept with a 6'5 mountain man from Montana and then he played 'Girls Just Wanna Have Fun' on repeat..
Hey.. Lock your door. There's a drunk girl walking around in here. She just came in my room and peed on my chair.
At least get laid and waffle fries out of it you whipped basterd
My mom said "I saw the signs you guys were high, so I made the spaghetti"....so ya, I'd say she definitely knew
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