I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
I'm at the store buying plan b and vodka
the cocktail of hope
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
okay, prove you're not drunk to me. write 5 true sentences about me with correct grammar.
I am sober. Because I don't drunk. It is bad. People die. I like Domenico because o he bag women what up?
It's weekends like this that make it obvious why we have to pay to come to college.
he locked me out then poked me with a fork when i tried to get in through the window
Step 1: drink. 2: drink more. 3: go for it. 4a: success. 4b: drink more. 5. drink. 6. go for other girls. 7. drink more. Sound good?
I feel like letting the same guy who shot him dig the pellet out of his leg with a pocket knife was the bigger mistake
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
Come get me we have a petting zoo to throw up in.
dude I just found tht weird ass guy u invited last night passed out in my closet.... apparently he "couldn't find the exit"
Holy Hangover.. I'm marrying whoever put this water by my bed
Maybe because you rubbed my clit while we were making churros
...I watched him run on the beach yesterday and I think I started ovulating
Do you think he will let me wear my neck fan while he throws my back out?
Please shut the fuck up.
Randomize
