can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
Babe. Honestly. Trust me. Your balls are not that big. And i'm eager.
he made his penis look like a sprinkler when he was coming. it was pretty cool actually.
We're drinking vodka. Wine is for people who have to wake up in the morning.
You know what I'm hearing? Blah, blah, blah, I have pneumonia, blah, blah, blah, I'm a quitter. COME OVER AND PUT YOUR PENIS INSIDE ME.
She's cute, but batshit. Like some kind of dominatrix disney princess.
I'm going to empty my bank account and roll around in the cash. Want to join?
I was high last night eating a fudge bar and making eggs with toast and corned beef hash for a 2 am snack and my dad asked what I was and the only reply I could think of was "I'm an adult."
It takes a special friend to go vibrator shopping with
Yes. It does.
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
On her way to bed she said, "If you have sex on the couch, just move my blanket" Needles to say, we moved the blanket
I cried at the bar for 30 minutes because I got my arm stuck in my sweater. I got free drinks for the rest of the night after the bartender helped me.
that is either the most profound and meaningful thing i've ever heard, or someone got high before noon again.
I can always count on you to keep my boobs honest
My boss is paying me to come clean his house in a maid outfit and told me not to tell anyone....this is shady as fuck but I need the money
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