I feel dirty and I went home alone. Bars should be like airlines and make fat girls pay double for everything.
I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
today is the best snowday of my entire life. also its no shirt day.
we put a pacifier in your mouth because you kept drunkenly singing country music.
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
I feel like death gave me a hand job
I was trying to be a bartender for my boyfriend and his friends last night, but I was too drunk so I just kept bringing them ice cubes in my hand.
I gotta say, I do way better with the ladies than I do the men. So if it turns out being gay is a choice, then I'm going to go ahead and choose it.
Dropping acid was like seeing the whole world as a blank canvas to imagine anything I wanted.
And apparently all you wanted was to watch the sun explode and me take 60,000 dicks to the face.
Ryan friended me on LinkedIn and it took everything in my power not to endorse him for sexual dysfunction as a skill.
i got kicked out of McDonald's for demanding a margarita mcflurry
I just took a service station dump so foul I had to buy gas out of guilt
I HAVE 5 FELTING NEEDLES AND THEYRE GOING DIRECTLY INTO YOUR EYES IF YOU POST THAT SHIT
If those panties could talk.
"Once upon a time, Jenny got chlamydia from a magician. The end."
I see more hoeing in ur future
Randomize
