If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
Swine flu is the new snow day.
There's so much relief when you realize you wake up in your own bed
come to Starbucks. I'm the fat girl eating a whole pizza sitting on the ground
I just bid on a $9000 car because I think its my ex-girlfriends. Yes I wanna hit that again.
Just me. You're probably having sex with her right now, so here's a reminder that you should be thinking of me per our agreement.
my vagina can't take this anxiety. there is no way he is 19 and this smooth. he's lying about his age or he's a goddamn sexual prodigy
Dont really know what happened near the end, Pockets were filled with skittles though
I'm looking at some sugar baby profiles to get some insight on what we're up against.
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
I really don't know where my pants are, but that's not the problem. When are you going to unlock the door?
So instead of going to meet her mom, I decided to jump out of her window which was about 1.5 stories off the ground. I'm alright, but I ended up meeting her mom anyway.
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
I'm way too sober and people are way too heterosexual
Randomize
