Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
I am not a stalker...i just bring a whole new meaning to the word love
It was honestly like finding a clitoris in a haystack.
i just got painted green i'm not about to leave for anything
Missing a small section of hand. Hope your night is going better
I can't think of anything besides pubic hair fallout. Ugh.
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
you said you didn't want to carry the pizza box so just folded up the pizza and put it in your pocket
Saw 2 lesbians fist fighting outside the bar tonight. I was startled yet slightly turned on
Charles Manson is Getting Married and I stare down at my tits and wonder how I am possibly single.
I volunteer to be the person who breaks into the room and runs around naked and has to be escorted out by police.
Sexting just isn't as much fun once you learn how bad he is in bed...
Wine through a straw in a subway cup.....classy
I think she lost me at about the point where the words “Ice Cream Enema” were spoken.
Randomize
