Taylor Swift is so right about you.
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
If only guys knew how much awkward ass shaving goes into making sex this good...
You were with some girl. Your exs best friend. Your shirt was half undone and she was telling you to put your penis away. It wasn't out but you wanted to. Patron is your weaknes.
they night at the roxbarryed us. came out of nowhere,bought us shots, and then the big one licked my hand? we got out of that noise.
Have u seen my thong? Last time i saw it was drenched in vodka and on his brothers broken lamp.
Nah but tell him his boxers made it to the basement
I am broke enough to accept it. If I get poisoned, you can have my shoes
No padding. I spent my whole summer with my nips out. October don't need that too.
Dude, it's not gay. It's winter.
It feels like a bunch of leprechauns are using my brain as a soccer ball
The site I use to study flash cards keeps showing ads for truck companies hiring drivers. It's like the site is saying "hey, we all know there's no hope for you, just give up and Become a truck driver."
The Royals are in the World Series. I've never drank so much in one week in my life.
There is no way to say this. Dude, I peed your bed. No questions, no answers. My flight leaves in 30 minutes. Use my detergent. Also, THE VODKA IN THE FRIDGE IS YOURS.
Do you remember trying to sleep under the pool table while wearing a reflective vest?
Nope.
You kept saying you had to be safe.
Dad danced on top of the bar with me last night. And has a video of me doing a beer bong.
Randomize
