I accidentally burped into my bong.
before smithy murders me i need you to know 3 things. 1) i got with smithy's little sister last night. 2) i will always love you like my own brother. 3) smithy's little sis digs anal.
i just practiced my bj skills on a banana in front of the mirror
its going to be a good night
ugh. people who use coupons make me wanna punch a baby.
Olympics start in one day, that gives us 24hrs to think of gold medal worthy drinking games
I made her cum... she sounded like Ray Romano
Please come fuck me. I had the worst sex of my life the other night and I need to be reminded that sex is actually enjoyable
She just tried to talk over a fart. The fart was way longer than the sentence she originally wanted to say so she just added gibberish to the end. Gross
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
I was unconscious Saturday for like 6 hours after I passed out on the sidewalks of our nation's capital. Thank you America, for bottomless brunch.
What does it say about my expectations if I'm pounding three beers the hour before a date?
Im wearing a bra. Made of paint.
I woke up with "To whom it may concern" sharpied on my dick
What the fuck was I thinking eating an entire tub of potato salad on acid. My stomach today bro
If I don’t find a quality dick soon I’m going to beg the neighbor for another threesome with her and her husband. It’s like Covid killed all the quality penis Vegas normally has
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