She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
When his Irish accent comes out my uterus hums. Or some productive organ down there, I'm not sure of the logistics
He bought my favorite ceral.. I've guess I've earn the status as one of his regular fuck buddies. I feel honored and proud. His roommates girls don't get this treatment.
I found him stumbling up to our building with a solo cup under his arm. . . He told me it was his favourite thing ever. He also told me hes never been drunk before.
I woke up at 6am to a knock and a naked guy at my window.
I've literally never felt worse
My body feels like its decomposing
Just called a girl a cunt over peanuts. I think we both know it wasn't just about the peanuts.
Welcome to the difference between being FWBs (remember how we used to see who could get more lap dances a night?) and being in a relationship. Fun, huh?
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
Your "dubstep at ceilis" resulted in a random naked guy busting into my room and peeing all over my bathroom
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
Just licked cheese from my hot pocket off my phone. I spilled because I was eating a Popsicle at the same time. Send an adult please
There's a girl passed out on the sidewalk at the parade. Its not even 10am. She gave candy to children saying it was ketchup. Still think I have a problem?
so do you remember taking your shirt off and just standing in your bra at the bar or no?
I found my parents stash of sex toys. You know my green one? My mom has it...in purple. I HAVE THE SAME VIBRATOR AS MY MOTHER
Randomize
