I seriously love my fucking boobs. They are so boobs.
At what point in my life was I not hugged enough to be on my fourth walk of shame in half as many weeks?
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
You're in a tuxedo, you can pee wherever you want.
I got a thank you card in the mail from the virgin i slept with on the camping trip. Weird or the new classy?
It's a strange mix of shame and pride every time I pee at the bar and still see my lipstick on the bathroom wall...
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
so you ordered business cards online last night with a picture of your dick on them. you need to hide that new credit card when you drink
We were wearing togas. So having sex was really easy to do without taking any clothes off.
I think my dove chocolate wrapper just told me to masturbate.
CAPS.LOCK.AND.SPACEBAR.ARE.BROKEN.
The last time I went out with these guys I won an iced tea maker from a drag queen.
dude igloo, 4 foot bong, and 3 grams of blue dream. will you be my eskimo buddy?
What happened to your back?
Rug burn. My ass is even worse.
Randomize
