My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
I am currently trying to use a tide to go pen to remove the jizz from my backseat, it's not working...
WTF?! TAYLOR SWIFT JUST WON ARTIST OF THE YEAR OVER MICHAEL JACKSON?! WHAT IS THIS WORLD COMING TO?!
I just ran from Santa Claus in Kroger
She had a group on her phone called "great fucks". I was in it. It's almost like making the forbes list
Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
I mean this holiday was built on cheap beer, shitty whisky, and processed meat... and I fully plan to honor that
Birthday was great, I got entirely too drunk and made really poor life decisions. It was everything a birthday should be.
I've come to accept that no matter where I step in our apartment, your underwear will be there.
How do you feel about fucking me quick and then me leaving to go do arts and crafts?
Everytime I try to keep track of the amount of people I slept with I always forget about that guy I met on the dc metro, where I woke up to him organizing his Special K and Molly and I was covered in sleeping cats.
STOP IT RIGHT NOW IM BEING A SINLESS CHILD OF GOD IN BED TRYING TO SLEEP AND YOURE SENDING ME MEMES ABOUT DICKS
Attention, i sprayed windex on me to disguise the scent of sex and regret off my clothes from last night
He’s actually a personal trainer. He said he hasn’t taught yoga in a while but the stripper prefers to introduce him as a yoga teacher
The blunt fell in the hottub, i mean i knew she was upset but i didnt expect her to dive for it and come up balling her eyes out...
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