He said if I blew him first he'd last longer....if 3 minutes is lasting longer, I'm not sure the bj was worth it
my dad just told me he wants a furry wall in the house... i'm proud and concerned
i guess when we were done i grunted "unforgiveable" and walked out.
Welp, she's chewing our paper towels again. She's like an obnoxiously hot puppy
...Then she just started hitting me with a loaf of bread.
Lame. Party is tapping out at 4am. Even chanting "USA" didn't rally them.
Umm... How do I tell my roommate someone shot a speargun through the wall? On a side note, cliff shot a speargun for the first time.
Btw I'm currently writing a paper in a beer garden. Be proud.
You went full blown lifeguard... You wouldn't let me sleep until I was in the safety position, so I wouldn't die in my sleep...
I'm gonna eat you out. But for science
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
The hair on my legs is officially flapping in the breeze when I walk. I must say, being single does have perks and this is one of them.
Pandora was on point with the sex music tonight
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
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