I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
I wish I was a guy so I could jack myself off anytime I wanted to
my sister just canceled her nose job because she thought it would hurt too much
It'll hurt less than being alone
My idea of sleeping together involves doing the Humpty Hump. Her idea of sleeping together focused more on being fully clothed on the opposite sides of a king sized bed.
one day I'm really going to regret not using the boners I got in planes and cars
He screamed "Oh boy! Oh boy!" during climax.
Do you remember that time on the drunk bus when I kept thanking the bus driver for serving our country?
Thanksgiving. This year's theme: I am thankful that I still have a liver.
Smoked a topless bowl this morning. For International Women's Day. Quite liberating.
I feel like it'll be a success as long as she doesn't end up dead in a ditch. There has to be a line somewhere.
This popcorn tastes like salt and regret. It reminds me of the first blowjob I ever gave.
You've ruined popcorn for me.
Also, there's a guy walking around the kitchen in a shark onzie, and he just asked if we've ever smoked weed with a shark before. I'm dying
WHY DID YOU DRUNK DIAL MY MOM?!
Because mine was sitting on the bar stool next to me...
I knew it was Christmas when someone handed me a stocking filled with airplane bottles. Ps just woke up 3 days later
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Randomize
