I just saw a girl wearing a flannel shirt that would make 1992 cringe
you should probably quit with the whole "no homo" thing, especially when you are drunk, "mo homo"gives the wrong impression.
Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
we found you standing over and eating out of my neighbor's garbage can
Through drunken recall, I have managed to bring back awful memories of losing my virginity. And possibly traumatized my niece trying to get her to "learn from my mistakes".
Dude I swear I heard "geet out!!!" when I went down on her. I shouldve listened.
Standing on the street at 6am in Hong Kong drinking beer. Watching all the hookers do the walk of shame from our hotel. How did I get here? Maybe all my bad choices in my life were really good ones?
If they weren't representing Obama and the White House, they definitely would've punched me in the face.
I'm laying in my house looking at chocolate pudding drip from the ceiling onto my partially erect penis... Yay for shrooms!
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
I feel like im becoming the girl who only drunk texts him. I would be in the dog house, if situations like this had dog houses.
I swear to god he's making pineapple onions and cheese. He thinks he's making eggs onions and cheese
I asked him for something to clean up with after sex and he handed me a sham wow. A SHAM WOW
all i remember is slapping you in the face with a slice of pizza while laughing maniacally.
There's a dryer on fire at the laundromat, and everyone's just standing around taking pictures. Except me. I'm texting.
Randomize
