Spent $1500 on bottle service and have a lump on my head from hitting the nightstand while puking. Excess? Nooo Success.
You were in the bathroom for two hours practicing "Revenge Faces".
She just dipped a dollar bill in her queso dip and almost ate it before I slapped it out of her hand, no more bar crawls..
he has officially spend more money on me than any other boy. and its all gone to plan b. awesome.
Her brother was practicing the clarinet....it was like having sex in a starbucks
The pine trees are waving at me.
Put the pipe down honey.
Hi trees.
Ever have those mornings where you just can't wait to puke in the shower?
If I wake up with an unknown penis in me one more time I am literally going to press charges to the makers of tequila.
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
Did I tell you I bit someone's arm for you last night
Also, my aunt grabbed my phone and downloaded the scriptures. Apparently I need Jesus.
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
The good news is I woke up fully clothed, on top of my covers, with a half eaten granola bar. So, breakfast was waiting for me and I’m already dressed and ready to go today.
First night in my new place, I had to get drunk to get used to the idea of shitting in a new toilet
I wish I got tanner on friday but I feel like I spent most of my time puking in the bathroom. I love my life
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