Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
Quick, to the slutcave!
I wish they made helmets for livers.
I just introduced him to multiple male orgasms. I love wine AND tequila
It's official. I am the proud owner of his very own sex tape. Amateur awesome porn or awful delete-me-now porn? Come over help me decide.
I have been way too involved with your nipples this weekend
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
If magic marker is safe for kids, it should be safe for cats...right?
Just made a diving catch to save a handle of Fireball falling out of the car. ESPN worthy.
Closed my eyes in the shower and got really dizzy. Not sure if neurological or result of 4 day vodka binge. Send help.
I was in the bathroom and I heard a phone ding inside one of the stalls. I really wanted to say, nature is calling, but I was still in my work uniform
i almost threw up on his dick. its like icarus, flew too close to the sun. except the sun is his dick and my throat was icarus
I just had to explain my bite marks to my allergy doctor when she gave me my shots...You're the best <3
wait. i have to tell u something. and it has nothing to do with dildos or spiders
My husband found the cock ring I bought my FWB. I told him it was napkin holder and he believed me. And that’s why I need a side dick
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