I told him to come back in 5mins cause i needed to take a few more shots before i could talk to him
I feel like i'm in "To Catch a Predator - The Musical"
It's mornings like this that make me happy to have a clean pair of underwear in my purse.
Oh my god. Oh my god. Oh my god. I drunk emailed a professor on friday. Oh my god. Oh my god.
In the middle of blowin me she stoppped and told me how easy it would be to insert a catheter ..... Apparently she was a nursing major
I was so high that i was talking shit about a girl I was with via text, and I handed the phone to her so she could type the shit I was trying to say.
Annd you probably wouldn't of fallen down the stairs if you didn't insist on taking 'finale shots'
We fed your dog hot wings then gave it some Bud light to drink. You're right. Dogs are fun.
I forgot to tell you thank you for putting me out when I was on fire. im sure I'll laught about this someday...
So, I'm playing the Doctor Who drinking game with my dogs, but they don't understand quite when to drink. Still counts as successful, though, right?
It's 2pm, and I just had to pass a guy in the turning lane because he was driving down Main Street in an electric wheelchair pulling a flatbed trailer with 2 of his buddies in it and they were all drunk holding beers.
at least its a cool name to shout when he's balls deep in you later
I will pay you in sex, beer and popcorn if you will come fold my clothes for me.
Add free use of your panini press and its a deal.
Deal.
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
Baby Shark came on during sex.
She has BABY SHARK on her sex playlist. Who does that?
Randomize
