Sometimes I stick my finger in my own ass and pretend it’s a vagina. I think it’s kinda weird. What do you think?
i would think by now you'd realize that my penis does whatever the fuck it wants and i have no control over the situation
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
You were rubbing your foot on one of your legs and kept saying, "My sock feels like a waterslide!"
The kid that passed out is still in the bathtub filled with ice and the empties
Idk what else to talk about besides you paying for half of my vaginaplasty.
We need a fire pit. Meat. And a keg.I mean like a cow we just carve from. And cook it. We can use the milk from the udder to make White Russians
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
It's Christmas, you should know what a virgin is.
You are the human incarnation of a drinking problem
Started dabbing in blow again because he always hated that I did it. Yuh I’m doing drugs but at least I’m doing me?
It was bad. U were calling my cat "kittiano" and playing her like a piano. Way too drunk my friend.
I feel so accomplished. I've cleaned my room, done laundry, called those places, gotten jobs, and masturbated.
I'm so proud of you.
Drunk me says 72 hours of Mexican Viagra and room service.Sober me says we stopped being lovers for a reason after the last lost weekend.
One can only be this extremely wet once a year and I feel like I'm bitch slapping god by not using this gift he has bestowed on me.
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