I just cut my nipple shaving
Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
He asked if it was my vagina. I told him it was my butt. Clearly I need to buy him a map of the female form.
i was like a deer caught in headlights with its coke-dick hanging out
Pretending to care to care about playoffs in exchange for free shots. I'm sorry in advance.
I wasn't interested in him...but then he played The Office theme song on acoustic guitar. I'm sorry.
You threw up on yourself, then proceeded to tell us "to not make a mess in your car"
They asked if I was about to puke and my response was to laugh and suddenly throw up. Continuing my asshole streak I kept laughing while still vomiting.
I've come to the conclusion while folding laundry and watching porn that I may be dead inside.
Dude, they're still mid-coitus. Pretty sure running in to high five my roommate mid-thrust is a mood-breaker.
High me just had to pick the lock on my sisters room because I locked my vodka in there. I love vacation.
Stop watching porn on my work computer.
STOP WORKING ON MY PORN COMPUTER.
Would it be playing god to put spaghetti on my pizza?
I watch one musical on Netflix, and the "Suggested for you" section is literally almost the entire gay movie category. I feel profiled, and netflixs' accuracy about my sexuality is both impressive and offensive.
Dude. So. Much. Sex. Find a girl in her 30s. Now.
Randomize
