I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
He locked about 20 beers in a suitcase and put it in the fridge. For a complete idiot, he's a goddamn genius.
hungover + watching bobsledding = i just puked
If she wasn't my friend I'd think she was a huge slut
He's Hawaiian. Thank god it wasnt a real American
It's the only time I've ever felt manly shitting myself
not sure if I should be concerned that my brother just stormed into my room and looked at me with a serious face and said, "I'm a peacock, you have to let me fly." oh, vicodin...
My goal for break? Fuck all my exes in reverse order.
Where did this racoon skin hat, stop sign and bag full of tacos come from?
Narnia or $5 pitcher night either way
Yeah started playing at the wedding last night, when the line. "Ludacris fills cups like DD" he starts pointing at my tits right in front of his grandparents.
ok NEVER tell the strippers its your birthday. i think i have to burn these clothes and take a bath in bleach
Fair warning birthday party last night avoid kitchen & upstairs bathroom if you value your remaining sanity
Ok fell asleep on a bus in south Carolina just woke up in Canada where the hell is the liquor store from here?!
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
Randomize