Do you realize that Last night you pissed in my closet and then walked to the bathroom to wash your hands?
im in Michaels with rachel and i see a little boy jumping around and waving a rainbow pompom. Welcome to our team little one
I hope my liver is having as much fun as I am
talk of her extensive whoreness has crossed oceans. thats impressive.
You know how girls with huge tits have back problems? Do you get knee problems or something?
if I see a bottle of vodka right now I'll probably throw up gum I swallowed when I was a kid
My parents called me out on catching us walking home from the bar in a swimming motion because "it was too windy to walk" home...
Gina was bawling her eyes out and then she ran into the street and peed. she kept screaming "LOOK WHAT YOUVE DONE TO ME"
We woke up in the room with a hamburger patty on the bed side table, one bun across the room, and the other bun under my pillow. Still don't know who ordered room service.
someone needs to name a hurricane after you
A guy just grabbed my balls before he shook my hand because he thought he knew me.
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
They're the one who can profit the most when given the opportunity for blackmail.
At least that's how I've always seen it whenever I've been the Designated Driver.
That simultaneously explains everything and makes me very very terrified of you.
So...I maybe walked across campus last night with my life size Joe Biden cut out.
I blacked out after the piñata full of condoms
Randomize
