No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
Btw the nut in my hair goes great with my outfit !!! :(
yeah so this exboyfriend of yours reckons you're still together and he punched me in the face cos i slept with you last week. you might wanna have a word with him or at a minimum change your facebook status.
friends don't let friends hook up with gingers.
about to play the homeward bound drinking game. alone. what are you doing tonight?
He just used my bikini trimmer to give himself a fumanchu. And I still plan on having sex with him tonight. This has to be what true love feels like.
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
I never thought I would be having sex behind a shower curtain that wasn't in a bathroom.
This guy smells like mr Rogers puppets and I don't know how to deal with it
Asking the homeless man what buss shelter is the warmest was not a good idea
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
Shroomed with my best friend'a dad at his wife's surprise birthday party so you can say I have experience in the field
Sometimes I just want to kiss you without you pulling ur cock out and waving it at me
how drunk are you?
Several
You rolled over grabbed my crotch and said "that's my waffle." I'm sleeping on the couch next time.
Randomize
