I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.
my mom just told me its unladylike to have toothpaste stains on my clothes all the time.. if she only knew.
Well if I am having twins, at least I'll finally have 2 kids by the same father.
I tried doing a handstand in the middle of the bar and I ended up kicking this old guy in the face and broke his glasses. Thats how I got kicked out
theres pictures of him knuckle deep in her, both of them thumbs up and cheesin. someone should take her kid away
When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
We were debating whether you had hooked up with him. I was right for the record.
You cried for a while then lifted lots of weights then cady's ex put glitter on your tits and then you took a nap. I got you pizza and brought you home. Nothing too exciting.
I'm trying to arrange "Flawless" to come on as soon as I get up to leave the room after my thesis defense. Bow down bitches indeed.
I tried to be mean but not so mean that he won't bone me next weekend
Honestly I am too high to watch videos of you jerking off right now
I think my liver has finally had enough and is going all Ashley-Judd-in-a-Lifetime-movie on me.
While we were doing it he looked up at me and said "Does your husband fuck you this good?" Talk about a mood killer....
If I could eat my chicken parm naked, it would be the closest I could ever be to God.
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