I have a walk of shame I should be getting to. "Hey, by the way, what is your name?" is not a conversation I want to have today
It would be worth it to see how drunk he is right now.
He cartwheeled into the side of the neighbor's garage.
Ok, i'm coming over
great sex! but now the fight over who sleeps on the wet spot starts.
She's hidden vodka up her skirt and is riding a parking meter. Things can only get better
they need to invent a card that reads "thanks for all those boners you gave me that you did NOTHING about"
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
He put those pics of him with those girls on facebook and tagged his wife in them
Tequila 1 marriage 0
You're like my little fucked up version of the groundhog seeing its shadow, only it's boobs and warm weather.
He told me that if he broke my bed my bed durring sex he would take me to ikea, but only on Monday because it's all you can eat meatballs. I think I'm in love.
SMOKEY THE BEAR CAME AT US WITH FUCKING AXES IN MY DREAM I THINK IT IS A SIGN TO STOP BLAZING IT IN THE WOODS
Today I learned I and my bar naps were the subject of a bar meeting.
HE WAS SUPPOSED TO BE THE TROPHY HUSBAND! I WAS GOING TO BE THE SUCCESSFUL ONE!
Which president had the biggest dick?
Take your time, I'll wait
If you can't trust the person at the taco cabana drive thru, who can you trust?!
Randomize