I woke up on my floor...
I woke up with colors of the wind playing on repeat on my laptop...
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
Chipotle...archenemy of the gay man. Cockblocking me since 1997
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
I am on a roof. I'm not sure which one, or why, or how, but I am on a roof and you should come get me. I can see info classrooms!
Drunk. But sober enough to know I hate gymnastics.
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
It was a book called Gay Safari.
I'm so happy for you now that you have found your perfect porn novel.
Actually I more feel like I'm on a ship about to grab the holy grail off an island
The ship is me being high the holy grail is some profound idea I'm about to have
I snorted xanax while wearing reindeer antlers. Prancer gone wild. Have a merry Christmas.
One of your snapchats was of you with a 40oz of Mickeys and the caption: "Deep Throat back in her natural habitat"
You took all of your clothes off and tried to seduce me and while trying to seduce me you decided you were too drunk and passed out.
If this gives you any indication of my current state, I stopped at Meijer after work and bought funyuns, pregnancy tests and chocolate.
You have such a talent for this
Friendship, or finding weed?
Yes
Fuck this virus. We’re finally back on campus but the bars suck parties are banned sports are canceled we eat in our rooms and can’t fucking hangout with anyone. I’m tired of virtual classes and involuntary celibacy
OMG IKR! It’s not college unless we’re puking in a toilet wondering if we’re pregnant or just hungover!
Randomize
