I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
you know he's having a sex change. I can't believe you called him "titty man" to his face....
Just gave my little brother the collection of clothes that boys have left in my room since I've been in college for his birthday.
I'm drinking too much free beer
Thats like saying one owns too many kittens. It's not possible.
ecstacy + fleshlight = not all that upset about being newly single anymore
God he's so convenient, drugs, an parties all in one person. He's like the Walmart of delinquency.
Well I just put wine in my tea
My signature move is making guys wonder why they bothered in the first place
Pretty good. They took the stitches out but it still hurts like a bitch. The doctor says I should be off crutches by next week.
Well, that's good. Let's hope drunk you doesn't sabotage you.
The way I kissed her was actually pretty charming and then it devolved to car sex
Her son walked into the middle of the living room, took off his diaper, shit on the floor, smiled at me, and walked out, as if nothing happened.
So date night went well?
Update: his apartment is apparently in the campus Christian community center. The fact that I fucked him on the couch in the lobby is officially my crowning life achievement.
ya I went to the grocery store literally just for cheese and condoms
I wrote notes to myself all over my body. "don't yell at cops again" "Cody stole your phone" "you kissed Cody" "vodka shots are bad for your liver" and "cactus pretty" WTF????
Randomize
