I would give up sex for lent, but I think Jesus would understand that I went too long without it to go back now.
Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
Dude, she puked up her Plan B, then reached in the toilet and re-swallowed it. That chick does NOT want a baby
I'm lying topless with an eye infection at the foot of my bed with a dog between my legs. With disney in the background. Its one of those 3 am moments
You got a blow job by a girl whose nickname is "the terrible tooth"?! You are a brave man.
Woke up this morning with my period. Saw a commercial for the beginning of Shark Week. I see what you did there, Mother Nature. My pad's off to you.
theres too many punctuation errors in that text to turn me on.
We are so drunk half our team had to bowl with a chaperone. We won every game. We drink
Just used the handle end of a spatula to get the baggie of coke wedged between my passenger seat. Innovation points?
i think my cat just said my name.
we had a full conversation and he only brought up drugs twice. overall I'd call it a success
If I remember correctly I tried to steal a mail truck last night
I just had a guy ask me if his "jewelry downstairs" would set off the metal detector.
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
Just threw up in the trash can at my desk. I guess "beating the hangover" eventually leads to this.
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