my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
there is this woman at the counter who looks identical to linda ellerbee. and she's grinning. COME. INSIDE. NOW.
They were so loud I wrote them a sex critique and taped it to his door.
I never thought your mom would see me throwing up on my hands and knees in your front yard
How the hell did he get a boner in that type of situation?
Got some good news and bad news about the hayride this weekend.
The good news is its still on, the bad news is we don't have any hay. The best news, if you drink enough you won't give a fuck that its just a trailer.
Based on the time of Sean's "I'm on your street" phone call last night, we had sex for an hour and a half. Man, time flies when you're getting boned to an orgasmic death.
Lol no. She's home safe. You forget she is too pretty to get arrested.
This is the Santa Claus of hangovers. It just keeps giving.
In case you're wondering what eggs stolen from an elementary school's chicken coop taste like, delicious. Delicious is what they taste like.
Woke up this morning with an extra $35 and someone else's ATM receipt. How much did I drink last night?
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
If you're into enormous nipples, you should ask out my office's receptionist.
the people in front of me have a grocery cart in their car... i missed college...
the twins are trying to figure out which one is the one doing body shots off a janitor in this picture
Randomize
