so heres a good story. about 6 hrs ago i took a bath with bruce blasting. and 6 hrs later i woke up still in my bathtub but in cold water
Um don't talk to me about fat. I just used my chip bag to cover up all my candy wrappers in the garbage.
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
I just looked at all of our spring break pictures... there's a guy getting a blow job in the background of the ones on the beach.
I couldn't tell if those girls from the bar were lesbians or just awesome
Turns out the average person our age has never run from the cops. Life: we're doing it right.
That's why we don't trade sex for Taco Bell. It's called the dollar menu.
wearing the bible to the ABC party, thought you'd appreciate that.
He's so in love with you that you could fuck a blood relative and he'd be like "I just want you to be happy"
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
I can't wait to see you & have espresso-fueled sex
While the cops were busting my party one of them said. O you have an Xbox? Do you play online? Whats your gamertag?....
Vulcans are sexy now IT HAS BEEN WAY TOO LONG SINCE I'VE GOTTEN LAID
I'm so high I have morphed into the monopoly man. Or maybe the Pringles guy. I don't know but I have a mustach now
Randomize
