I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
so I guess it's not okay to mix vodka and ..everything and then proceed to offer a lap dance to ...everyone.
I need to take "lollipop" off of every single one of my playlists cause it makes me wanna suck dick.
if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
until you tell me otherwise ill assume we're playing "cavity search" the homeland security game to spice up our sex life
this is a time for prayers...seriously
let us hold hands and pray.. sweet baby jesus please bring us some sweet sweet man loving this homecoming weekend to aid our lonely vaginas it has been a long couple of weeks amen.
Her parents walked in on us. So for my birthday they bought me a blow-up doll with their daughters face on it. I don't know what to think right now.
look up what dreaming that you're in a lesbian relationship with a manatee means.
I demanded respect from my fuck buddy. Drunk me is not fun.
we drunk the bar out of liquor so the guy was selling us bottles of wine for $2a each. Only good thing to come outta this flood
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
He told me to tell my ass that he loved and missed it, and even though he hasn't known it long, it might be the one for him
Guy fieri is speaking only to me. We make eye contact. My whole body is vibrating. My head is purring. I am literally marbles.
If I'm legally allowed to go to jail than I should legally be allowed to tell a cop to fuck off. Basic principles.
Yea, but did you really have to throw a sandwich at him??
Matt is trying to convince me that we have a deal where if I show him my tits he won't do cocaine. Apparently we shook hands on it?
Randomize
