Just soaked up some whiskey with a paper towel and then squeezed it into a cup for consumption. New low.
I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
i told her that i loved her pillow breasts and then she asked me if i wanted to motor boat them. so yea, i do need the room tonite.
Just heard this lady walk by on her phone saying "did everyone orgasm?"
Do you need a place to sleep? Cause I fucked in the guestroom a few weeks ago and never washed the sheets. But if you don't care neither do I.
Dude I need help. What word is complimentary, but sounds like "chunky"?
She crushed my hand with the box spring last time, so it's all good.
The great thing about vietnam is that if I'm drunk during the day people just think I'm being white
I am listening to lecture and I can hear us in the background talking about anal beads.
I understand why they say don't drink the water in Mexico... I just saw 5 guys piss upstream of where the bar tender went to get the water
Come home, I'm drunk on the porch and pretending to smoke breadsticks like cigarettes. Enticing, right?
I turned off my domesticated goddess switch over 2 years ago and idk how to turn it back on. So in the mean time I'll dodge this gf bullet and eat free steak for as long as possible
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
am drunk, naked, and blow drying cat. need adult supervision
one week and then i'm back on the sexual grind. a party is being planned in my vagina's honor
Randomize
