totally got the gold medal for the best fence jump when the cops came.
just cut a line with my blood donor card...i feel like it will help remind me that i was once a productive member of society.
I could tell by the way he was holding my hand that he really liked you
well since you're still married, you will be paying for my abortion right?
I negotiated the purchase of an entire tray of like 50 jello shots for $8.
can't remember last night but the beers were $3.50, so i can count how many I had by counting my quarters
i can afford to take several trips up and down the parkway right now if I wasn't still hanging over my toilet
she gave me her number. found out it was already stored in my phone as "bathroom blowjob"
Learned my lesson. Pink pantydroppers out of a beer bong=deceiving
There's a point around the one and a half minute mark where the keg stand goes from impressive to pathetic
you walked around drinking beer out of a plunger and telling people it was a goblet...
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
He was leaving the restaurant I was going to as I was parking. I didn't want to scream, "hey, didn't I jerk you off?" Out of my window at 10 am
My cast smells like cheese steak rolls
I hope dressing like a sexy, but very grown up and intelligent, secretary while out shopping helps disguise how high I am right now.
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
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