I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
i felt like we were having sex on ultimate fighter, and people on the outside kept yelling ELBOW ELBOW! KNEES KNEES!
You do realize the lyrics aren't "hold me close TONY DANZA" right?
You can't be serious.
I wanna fuck padma even more now that she's preggers. Is that sick?
Yes but- 100% agreed
if i remember New Year's Eve then there is something seriously wrong.
At what number of girls whose last names are stored in your phone book as drinking establishments does it become excessive?
The cops caught them pow wowing in the teepee at the entrance of the golf course at 5 am. But were still missing someone.
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
You did a line of free coke with an obese Slovenian unlicensed cab driver in the toilets of the most questionable strip club in the country. New low man.
When you put it like that, I'm inclined to agree.
I bet my lungs hate me more than my liver
That's a hard toss up
please come here right now, that girl who always gets her boob out is here and she brought taco bell
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
I am getting off work an hour early just to watch you drink. Never let it be said that I don't love you.
I sent my brother over to my ex's to get the rest of my stuff. He comes back SEVEN HOURS LATER, high as fuck without my shit! No loyalty.
Fucked a DJ on a jetski today... I love florriidaaa!
Randomize
