...she just doesn't genetically have the things I want my kids to have.
I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
I picked her up for our first date on a fucking horse. Of course I got a BJ.
I think i accidentally made vodka pancakes
Hypothetically, how much legal trouble do you think i will be in for stealing someone's dog?
It was really weird walking into a CVS and not going straight to the pharmacy for plan B.
Who just wakes up in their own bed and assumes "I probably blew some guy last night"
When the shrooms kicked in we both simultaneously realized we were not the right puzzle piece for the dubstep puzzle.
We made eye contact and were like we are not welcome here, the ravers are onto us and we need to get the fuck out before we get shuffled upon
I'll give you $10 to get a dick pic with a gecko on it.
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
Look at all the pictures I have of us sucking on jello syringes.
Well, I just bought plan b with the tips I made from the job that I slept with my manager. So yeah, that's my life. How's yours?
Girl i am always here for you. But i am going to have sex now so im going to call you in the morning.
would it be okay if I showed up at your house naked? and is your door unlocked?
my grocery cart consisted of hershey bars, sour patch kids, starbursts, mayo, 4 frozen pizzas, 4 lunchables, and chips. clearly, i can't do this on my own.
Randomize
