So drunk i had to piss sitting down...
The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
Well maybe next time you won't tell me to do whatever I want.
Just met a female bro. Things are weird at the rugby party.
you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.
ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning...
no it doesn't.
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
I just put up a picture on my dorm room wall of that ginger you hooked up with to remind myself that everyone makes mistakes
Getting high magically turns headaches into rainbows.
U should feel bad.. u r like a sex politician. All talk and no follow thru
Just wanted to let you know it's 3am and, at this point, I believe your sister has more of my semen in her than I do. So suck on that, fuckface.
Hi please disregard the last text and if you'd like our entire interaction
Done
I got so drunk I thought my tennis court was a corn field so I laid in it and ate pizza
It finally happened my mom knowingly gave me money to buy drugs i knew this day would come\n
Why did I wake up next to the fire pit? And who wrapped me up like a burrito?
Jägerbombs. Thank Sara.
Southwest doesn't have zingzang bloody Mary mix. I'm gonna file a complaint with the FAA
Randomize
