I am currently trying to use a tide to go pen to remove the jizz from my backseat, it's not working...
Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
you said grace in the diner. 5am, drunk, grace. you thanked the man w the mushroom cut for the wonderful supply of screwdrivers
She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
I wanna get shitfaced and yell about Tim tebow
Here's the level of my committment: I'm not participating in the Olympic opening ceremonies drinking game. THIS IS SERIOUS.
i made sure not to drool on your bed by putting my hoodie on backwards and swaddling my face in the hood
Just saw a dude walk out of the parking. Garage in a diaper and tutu. He had a handle in one hand and a toy bow in the other
LOL its 11 am
I just had to pick up my "let's drink and make bad choices" hat, my banana suit and beer pong table from work. Until just then I couldn't figure out why I got fired.
Like who turns down taking a nap inside of someone in 2014.
First he fixed my gutter. Then he flogged me and fucked me. Then he bought me a new vacuum cleaner. I don't understand Daddy Dom stuff but I ain't mad at it.
Just packed vodka and spare underwear into my purse- totally set for watching the hockey with him tonight
you were grinding on the cop whispering for him to lend you his tazer.
Let's not forget that we had sex on the ground in public tonight.
I need to find a divorced guy with a boat and let my tits do the talking
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