fyi, we didn't break up, we just downgraded to occasional sex without ever talking about it.
I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.
He just said he wasn't going to drink on Saturday because he was drinking on Thursday and Friday...we need new friends.
I'm honestly too sad to drink and hang out with strippers. This breakup sucks.
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
She still cant shoot whiskey?
Im having serious doubts about this relationship
So it's always a good weekend when you don't get any sleep, try opening a bottle of wine on rocks, and end up needing a tetanus booster for our stupidity... Same thing next weekend?
New one-upper goal: I have to shit off the side of a moving train then jump off
I dreampt that we were shooting zombies while we having sex. Is that normal?
He shattered his pelvis base jumping so his dicks out of commission for 4 months. Your up, second string.
Do not try to steal a picnic table from a park, all you will end up with are sore arms and broken dreams.
You snapped me at 3am drunk laying on your floor asking if I knew how we couldn't have predicted the housing crisis.
well we woke up in different beds than the ones we originally fell asleep in, you were butt naked, and your boyfriend was sleeping on a cot in the middle of the kitchen. that might be why he's mad.
I feel like you should store your weed in something that suits your personality. For example mines in a hollowed out disney princess book.
It's all fun and games until your mom recognizes your bootycall from 2018 as her attorney
Randomize