woke up this morning with a fat chick but she went downstairs and made pancakes without saying a word.
Dude just walked down the street literally wearing nothing but a small box around his waist carrying a case of beer. I want to live here for the rest of my life.
do you think she knows her nickname is brickface?
You were on shrooms and "the trees are crazy green!" is all you could manage.
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
She ran over a curb, took out a yard-sale sign and hit a fence before admitting to me that she may be losing her vision "a bit". Never letting grandma drive again.
You were doing bacon vodka shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce. You're officially fucking disgusting. I love you.
I'm just gonna clean the house so my Mom won't think I'm hung over. I'll just start with the toilet
But now he's gone and I'm exhausted and my vagina is yelling at me and I want a cheeseburger
I don't care what the Chinese zodiac calendar says . . . 2015 is the year of the cock!
I need to buy fuckboy repellant for whenever I think it's a good idea to meet boys I found in tinder
A stripper set a mans ass on fire... the club smelled like burning ass and boxers.
It's a shame, really, because he's got the cock of a horse... And the personality of dry toast.
This is not a test of the emergency warning system. He has broken my vagina. I repeat he has broken my vagina. Damn it was good.
She looks like a character that batman would try to kill, or something.
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