i walked in the apt and she was vacuuming. i asked why and she said so we could have sex on the floor. i love clean freaks.
Would it be cruel if i sold xanax instead of adderall to freshman unfamiliar to the drug-taking profession?
Go on vacation with her and forget to pack pants. I did that once and it worked like a charm.
I swiped a lunchable and a gatorade from my one night stand's fridge, does it count as a date now since a meal was included?
And here i was gonna offer you a complimentary blowjob.
I made a Wendy's employee say fuck this and quit because I started flipping out due to a baked potato shortage. Of course I had a good night
We lost you in the mall, but to no surprise we found you waiting in line to sit on santas lap. You said you wanted to ask him for a pound of weed and a subway giftcard for xmas.
That's awesome and prob the first time you had an idea of what to do. I'm super proud of you Chelz
Its cos im stoned ! My high self is maturing
Ideas I've had tonight: An entire movie based off the Pixar lamp jumping on stuff.
Today is the day I die from a hangover. I love you, mom. Farewell.
Watching Faye Reagan porn all weekend for St Patty's day. Nothing has ever seemed more appropriate.
I'm not sure. I have to find the Greeks I was with last night and see if they can explain to me why I can't hear out of my right ear and why I look like I got the shit kicked out of me
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
No way man ... This is real life. Complete sentences and everything.
Who put the toilet in the living room? This is extremely inconvenient right now.
Randomize
