my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
That shot tasted like Sant Claus came in my mouth. I love the holidays.
you're asking me why i keep burn ointment in my purse.... do you really want to know the answer to that question?
I made out with a guy because he was sitting on my coat...
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
He just remixed a spongebob song with 2 chainz..... Clearly I love him
Actually some of the best sex I've had involved a lot of laughing.
How small IS your cock?
Is it really bad that my last patient offered to fuck my brains out if I gave her IV morphine...and I gave her my phone number and told her when my shift is over?
I'm surprised they let us keep partying at that hotel bar, that's like the 3rd time I've had to try blocking the view of him peeing off the balcony. I earn my free drinks.
I'd rather blow Nickelback than be told he gave me gonorrhea. I'd even post it on Facebook for all of the world to like, share, and judge me.
I just spilled my beer on a five year old. She's crying but I can promise you I'm more upset.
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
Waking up drunk is great, waking up drunk and hanging with your mom is even better.
Just an fyi, you also tried to wrangle a peacock last night.
I got a discount on the lube for giving the cashier focaccia bread from work.
Randomize
