I made out with a deaf person. Also I've been drunk 11 days in a row now.
Do you think most people who work at an airport Chili's can pin point where their lives went wrong?
I didn't even realize you were getting that drunk until bam!
is bam when I fell down the stairs or when I threw up standing at the bar?
I'm sure it was awkward. I've never had a professor expose parts of them to me before.
there was a trail of blood coming out of one of the bathroom stalls. thought of you
Take in how we used all the shot glasses in the bar in less than an hour
Apparently I yelled "no stop it" in my sleep last night when he tried to cuddle with me.
Oops, guess its official. I just use him for sex.
HI MARY. THERE IS A RAINBOW AT OUR APARTMENT
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
Omg this is like trying to sleep on a pile of ballsacks.
Tequila, beer, rum, gin, and vodka all mixed in my body last night. The whole "never turn down free booze" is catching up to me. Hungover = understatement of the year.
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
I'll meet you in hell with unlimited boxes of wine though
He said I have the “Denzel Washington” of vaginas.
If it's any consolation she turned out to be has a collection of clown dolls she talks to crazy. And the cops knew why I was calling when she key locked the door from inside.
Randomize
