I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
yeah he didnt know till after their one year. You have no idea how bad i wanna say "dude i sucked on those boobs before you"
She was singing my heart will go on into her barf bag. celine aint got shit on her.
i would eat my own dick if it were covered in nutella
The only thing that was weird was that it WASN'T weird when she got out of the shower and saw me blowing him.
But life is now good. Well, not good, good would be not wearing the penis hat with the extended family of the boy I just cheated on, but as good as it's going to get today
Come to wine Wednesday bro. We have a fog machine
RE-DICK-YOU-LUSSSSS
That's me emphasizing the ridiculous
I've got the dick your vagina needs, but not the one it deserves right now.
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
Blood work from physical was all good, apparently heavy alcohol use agrees with me
I don't know bro. If a girl makes you cum hard enough that you pull a back muscle, she might be the perfect one to call for a massage on said muscle.
After the bar we stopped to Meijer where I found myself singing little mermaid while rubbing a pack of hotdogs on my face..
Jello shots? I thought you weren't drinking tonight.
Im not drinking im slurping
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
Randomize
