I want to see a picture of the girl worth ruining our relationship for
I feel like if im whacking off more now that i have a gf than i did when i was single, somethings wrong.
My gym is having a pizza and beer party. God im starting to love this place.
I just discovered cum stains from two different guys on my wall. I don't know whether to be proud or horrified.
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
Babe. You eat pussy like a god warrior sent from a galaxy far far away to destroy female genitalia with new realms of pleasure. That's how I know your not gay.
I'm dressed like a deranged cupcake. Let's get fucked up.
I just blocked a guy on grindr for having a little dick. See? I do have standards.
Oh yeah and one of the strippers brought you chips and water when you were passes out next to the toilet. So that was nice
The plane down was full of newly weds and I counted 5 pairs of mile high club members. Actually, one might have been a group membership discount.
Also I'm proud of us for having an educational conversation in this group text.
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
If you send me another picture of a donut on your penis while I'm at work, I may have to slap you With the donut.
Honestly it was like 3 AM and I only agreed to go to the strip club because I wanted chicken tenders
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
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