if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
we're getting ready to take strippers to breakfast. I love my life.
he keeps calling me but I'm too scared to answer... Not sure what he's gonna yell at me for: barging into his room while he was with another girl, filling her shoes with dog food and water, or hiding his keys in the garbage disposal.....
i just overheard a girl at the next table saying she gave up sex for lent
don't you ever do that...
my dealer just handed me my weed in a pink easter egg
All together there was 318 cigarette butts in the pool... And my microwave.
It has been so long since I got any action that I have decided to change my vagina's name from "the chamber of judgement" to "the cave of forgotten dreams".
We lost our room key and found it in his pocket with 3 pieces of fish.
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
Seriously. All I want right now is a 40 with a nipple on it, and a nap
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
I'll be perfectly honest; there are times other guys have consented to have sex with me because of my punctuation.
If sex isn’t mentioned at least three times at the dinner table, I’m not interested...
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
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