Last night was so much fun. i kept trying to lick everyone
Dude you can't just initiate a threesome via twitter
and i fell asleep on top of a grilled cheese sandwich. not the best decision. but not the worst.
I didn't scare your mother by showing up on the roof, did I?
Just shook hands with the bud light truck driver, thanked him for his service to our country
Just got a voicemail from a guy referring tp himself "as chest hair guy". If I'm coming home to a intervention I understand.
Did u see the proverb she left as a comment on my picture?
You know our reunion in two weeks shall be a drunken bikini clad magical adventure right
His phone pocket dialed me while he was crapping. He was quietly singing stayin alive and possibly passing his intestines.
he never texted me back from last night. i think brining out the suction cup dildo was a mistake
Hey before you quit, let me sell drugs to your boss at least one more time
this morning's inventory: a top hat, two empty bottles of everclear, half a slim jim, cigars, tiara, pot necklace, and some fishnets. and that's just my purse.
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
Pandemic Silver Lining: cheap hotel rates makes it easier to have afternoon fun with my side dick
thank you for the vibrator recommendation, i've come six times today and it's only noon
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