i have it on good authority that she is not as good at giving head as she claims she is
I did that thing again where I get way too drunk and go gay. Then wake up in the morning and freak out at the person. Yet another bar I cannot go back to
I just drank Colt45 out of a champagne glass. I feel classy.
Colt 45 out of anything is classy.
Leaving the dealer's house. He just gave me a sincere hug and said good luck. This cant end well.
There is a homeless man handing out free beer on the city bus. He has a cooler and everything. I love this trashy yet generous city.
We just ended up getting drunk and doing field sobriety tests on each for practice... No one remembers who passed.
Just saw you drinking out of a flask on national tv. I've never been more proud of you
I just want to hug my vagina but I can't!\nLike, I want to wrap my arms around it and say "I'm sorry"
Saved a life and got us a free vacuum cleaner (and learned vacuum is not spelled "vacumn"). Get on my level.
It's like they're playing jeopardy and the category is "things that make women dry."
If I could run through a field of Reece's and Oreos, dive off a milkfall into a bowl of cereal. My Life would complete.
just sex-dialed 911. that's 34 seconds of dignity i will never get back.
I did something very bad. More specifically, my boss.
And with the bitter taste of failure in my mouth, i am off to pub to drown it in tequila and 19 year olds, so in the morning i can add pregnancy and stds to my list of problems.
Do you think he will let me wear my neck fan while he throws my back out?
Please shut the fuck up.
Randomize
