i wish swine flu would become a total pandemic so we cld be rid of all the people that are complaining about it
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
Were driving two hours to st louis so we can pee on the arch. See you in the morning. I might be sober by then.
She just kept screaming you name over and over. Im starting to think this is my alarm clock
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
I'm staying in tonight, it's my Christmas present to my liver.
All i want to do is drink fuck and cry... you dont have to cater all three its more like the saddest choose your own adventure ever
I just haven't been myself lately. I slept with a guy 21 years older than me and I've been wearing my hair in a center part.
I forgot to pack a bra for work today...you would not believe the extremes i've had to go through in order to keep these nips from my coworkers
But I REALLY want to hide my crazy for as long as possible with him so he'll date me.
I woke up on a boat next to an extremely attractive man wearing nothing but a life jacket. Neither one of us owns a boat...
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
Well that didn’t go as expected.
I mean, it ended in you giving each of them a blowjob, so it kinda did.
i just went to hell in the tanning bed. i think god is giving me a preview of what is in store if i keep getting drunk everyday.
Randomize
