And now we're talking about squeezing babies out of vaginas...
Dude.. I don’t care how hairy she is, you already left me at the bar, and now I have to find another fucking way home... NOW BE A MAN ABOUT IT!
I am waking up at 7am to go to church with him and his family... I better get eaten out tonight.
You slept with a red coat way too close to independence day. It's just very unpatriotic.
i feel like im paying for every hangover i didnt experience last year as a freshman. thank you sophomore year.
Apparently campus cops frown on lighting a joint off of the eternal flame on Jerry Falwell's grave...
They knew I had a party because the refrigerator settings were different, but they don't notice that we installed a new toilet seat so it's okay.
She poured beer through the deck into the hot tub. She called it a deck shot. It was horrifying but super awesome at the same time.
You better be Eskimo Brother-ing the FUCK out of tonight right now. Long distance 'balls deep' high five
Did you seduce any young men into coming home to your love nest of poutine and jäger bombs?
I just had to take my laptop away from him because he was on Amazon and had 20 Seahawks garden gnomes in his cart.
Yeah, the email that I was sending to get an Escort for the weekend, copied and pasted to my boss, that should be interesting conversation, when I come back from Christmas vacation break.
You walked in wearing nothing but a beekeeper mask
So in my DUI class I had to write down 3 people I'd call if I needed to talk and why...they all want to meet you now...
Your life is a soap opera of great sex, cats, and booze.
Randomize
