She just squirted all over my face. then laughed at me and took a pic
If relationships were based on ego stroking and meaningless sex, we'd be soulmates
how was your night?
well, i just purchased 'sorry for being a drunk whore' cupcakes. how do you think my night was?
This whole foot fetish thing is getting out of control. He would rather hold my feet than me after we fuck.
I bet you think you're really funny for switching my line of coke with a line of protein powder.
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
Bad Decision October is in full swing. I was telling people that "I put on eye makeup today, I'm takin' a dude home with me!".
Just saw an all male dolphin threesome from underwater viewing
I remeber being on the roof last night and we put our heads togeather and we touched each others face and said "Hennessyyyy"
She just broke into my apartment while I was asleep, woke me up and drunkenly tried to seduce me for about 2 minutes, then passed out..
My condoms might be a little big for you but hey, a big sweater is better than no sweater at all when it's cold right?
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
I'm sorry you had to knock him out on your birthday. But that also means I won the bet that you'd hit someone so you owe me 40. dollars
Randomize
