splinters make it hard to masturbate
you made your own hammock out of a towel and duct tape.
I just fell down my stairs. I know that you are 6 hours away but please come pick me up. I promise I will still be here on the stairs.
WERE YOU GOING TO TELL ME THERE WAS A LOAF OF BANANA BREAD IN THE OVEN BEFORE YOU LEFT FOR A 5 HOUR SHIFT??
Never thought I'd say this but I just want to go home, ice my balls, and pop a Vicodin.
Dude, you bit through my nipple. Give it a week, damn.
You'd love her. She's outspoken like us. And appreciates a big penis and a strong drink.
he was like captain planet, but less blue and more nakeed
do you think your dog feels awkward being in the background of your nudes?
he called me ma'am when we were fucking last night...he's five years older than me. I think I'm in love.
I just found your shirt hanging in a tree 4 blocks from the party...in the opposite direction of your house. where are you going?
It's not even 8pm on a Friday and I've already got a guy to tell me how big his penis is. Watched anything good on Netflix lately?
I let a drunk straight girl spank me with a metal paddle at the bar tonight. Remind me to never do that again.
That butt dial turned into a booty call.
He also sent me nipple clamps because romance is NOT dead
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