im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
her vagina looked like bernie madoff
you're putting all your eggs in a very hungover basket
um, yes. it's my birthday, of course there will be acid.
I'll try not to. I have an appointment at the hospital tomorrow so my goal is to wake up there.
I CAN'T DO THIS MUCH FABULOUS BEFORE LUNCHTIME
Why on earth is he slamming his body into the wall again?
all i remember is walking in on u shitting and crying listening to shawty get loose. its safe to say this break up has taken a toll on u
I am on top of a rooftop peeing on your freedom
He sent me a 2am email the just said "Ping". Nerdiest booty call ever.
I mean honestly, what would you have done?
Not screw her in the church house?
STOP FUCKING TELLING PEOPLE ABOUT THAT TIME THAT GUY CAME ON MY FACE WHILE I WAS ASLEEP!!!
Eh, I don't question what my penis likes. It just does what it does.
That's not the problem. The problem is I thought I was over him but he smells nice today.
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
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