haha i took a picture of myself naked on her camera
She didnt have a camera...
Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
there's a lady drinking out of a red cup in class. HAPPY FRIDAY
he said "you're pretty" then i made out with him. thats all it took
my hippie aunt just sent me some brownies with a note saying not to eat them under any circumstances until finals are over. excited.
the higher we get, the more he looks like ray charles.
Just found out the guy that gave me herpes died. now everytime I get a flare up, it'll be like he's coming back to say hello
Babe. Honestly. Trust me. Your balls are not that big. And i'm eager.
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
you want a dog just so you can strap a barrel of hot chocolate around its neck?
Bro, did you watch that scooby doo porn I sent to you?
If you've never yelled, "fuck you ray Lewis" in front of your 87 year old grandfather you haven't lived
my roomie eats chipotle far too often. when i was looking for a bag to throw up in I had my choice of a wlamart bag and 10 chipotle bags
You showed up at 4 am holding a beer and wearing a wig you apparently found in the dumpster.
That explains some things...
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