remember about an hour ago when i told you i was never drinking again? i may or may not be mixing malibu with caprisun. just saying.
I did a mental Irish jig when he pulled out the second condom.
The girl behind me at the dollar store said couldn't wait to get her permit, then requested a pregnancy test. God I love being home.
yea, the bartender wouldn't serve you because you kept asking for "a slice of beer"
some guy just walked by in the street and for 5 seconds yelled "IMM SOOOO HORNYYYYYY!!!!"
You may see me on espn tomorrow drunk, half naked, and selling articles of clothing to rich cougars like i did last year, but i will NOT be drinking shitty beer
Fantastic. I'm pretty cold, tired, dirty, and hungry, but that comes with an adventurous weekend. Who needs a wallet or keys anyway? I could totally be homeless.
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
Germany has fetish clubs for everything. We are going to Germany. Germany is our friend.
I can feel my pain tolerance has shot up right along with my libido
lets go to sea world and you can just hit on every guy in a wetsuit until you get lucky
I mean, it's just pathetic when the standard is tinder and he can't live up to it.
I'm sorry, that really sucks. I'm in the bath eating lasagna and if anyone comes in here it's going to be bad news for them
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
I told you that we shouldn't have sex. You said "its okay I already saw you pee" apparently that was convincing
Randomize
